Don't know my story? Feel free to ask not judge.

Other conversations have sparked this and yet it is something I think about often.

Now that I get out there into the world and now that my kids are in school I often get the question/ response "How come you have not gotten a diagnosis yet?"  I want to say "Because I haven't OK."

For the most part I am not in hurry as I have mentioned before.  As long as Miles gets a diagnosis before Kindergarten I am fine... and this is only because it determines what services he can get in school and perhaps outside of school.


So for those of you who don't know it or just want to read it anyway here it is:  Miles was an easy baby.  I was scared he would not be because Avery was and people kept telling me that if I had one easy baby there was no way Miles was going to be an easy baby... but he was.  He was always happy and easy going except when he was hungry and you can ask his Nana about how he would not take a bottle...    He laughed at his brother, he wanted to move quickly to keep up with him too.  Unlike Avery he actually crawled and like Avery was an early walker.  Because of Avery he heard and or watched the movie Cars everyday of his life for the first year but he was always excited when it came on.  He was always on the go, but so was Avery.  

He was always quite, unless he was upset, laughing or excited.  When he was not talking or really even babbling (he cooed a lot though) we were not concerned and neither was the pediatrician because like Avery, Miles was hitting all the other milestones early except for communication.  Avery started talking in sentences at age 2.

At age 2, Miles was not talking yet.  The pediatrician referred me to child-find for my county but still said he was not too concerned with anything.  This is where parents sometimes get mad a the pediatrician for dismissing things, I am not mad nor did I think he was blowing things off.  Here is the other things my childrens' pediatrician knew about my children:


I was in the office every couple months for checkups between the two kids.  The pediatrician was well aware of my family's situation and how Andrew was in an accident.  He knew that my family was under distress and trauma and he knew it was hard to tell how it translated to my children.  Miles was only 14 months at the time of the accident.  He just wanted to watch and see how things woudl progress.

Miles had a harder time adjusting to apartment living and his daddy being home than anyone else.  We were all happy but it was confusing to Miles.  He was just turning 2.  It has taken him 2 years (plus the year Andrew was gone)  to become his daddy's buddy again.  Since he has gained that back I have seen a burst of growth in Miles.

On to Foothills Gateway he had therapy through when he was 2.  At the end of his time with them they brought up 'flags of Austism' and then even though they agreed he did not have many of them anymore the refused to remove them from the report.  Some of it I thought was because Miles just did not like them and he just wanted to avoid them. They also said to me that because of the growth they saw he may grow out of more and testing was up to us.  They also told me that they might not want to diagnose him until he was at least 4 in that case.

So there it is.  We are now on a wait list for testing.

I understand the need but in most instances it is not needed.

Label label label.  I understand the need for labels, I attach them tho things, to myself, to others... we all do.

Here is my problems though, I don't want the general public to give my child the diagnosis of Autism.  If specialists, doctors, therapists, and the likes give him one for treatment purpose I am fine with that.  If the school needs a diagnosis for IEP and school help they can have it.  At home he does not need that. out in public (at least now) he does not need that. 

Acceptable home labels: Miles, "My-my", Monkey, stinker, cutie pie, little boy, child, and his astrological sign in Aries.  

Today I had a guy at the Chilson (in the hot tub) ask me if Miles was Autistic.  I don't mind the asking, I just told him he was on a wait list for testing.  He proceeds to tell me about his nephew who is suspected to have Autism and about how hard it must be.  He tells me how his nephew does not show emotion or want anything to do with others.  He tells me that how Miles is acting reminds him of his nephew....

Thanks guy... I guess... 

Still waiting and some days I think that is what they are going to say.  Other days I think that idea is far away.  Either way he is my sweet boy and I would not change anything about him.  I just want to help him be his best... as I do with any child.


 

My baby will be 4!

   In a few days my 'baby' will be 4-years-old.  It is hard to imagine and yet easy to remember how little he used to be.  I have seen so much developmental growth in him the last few weeks.  I have seen him do many things I have never seen him do and it makes him seem more like a 'normal' kid.

    Normal.  That is the thing.  I think about the term 'typical development' often because the term is often used when conversation is about Miles... more like the fact that he does not have typical development compared to his peers.  I often wonder if his delay was not in speech and communication if his quirks and other things he does would go unnoticed.  Since communication is important to us as a human race it marks Miles as odd in a way.  Since he is now marked as such all parts of his development is followed closely as well.  I don't really mind since I know the monitors mean well and they want Miles to be the best Miles he can be.  I still wonder sometimes.

 My point is this:  Miles has some sensory needs.  His sensory needs are met by putting things in his mouth.  Because he has this need there is concern about oral sensory needs, Miles perhaps has Autism.  I as his mother do not see a problem with his sesory needs... as a child I liked to chew on my barbies and ponies and put the baby doll bottles in my mouth. I chewed on my pencils and pens and even ate my erasers.... but either no one noticed because I did not have 'problems' no one cared.  Miles likes to chew rubbery toys the best and I know sometimes his knows better because I appear and his takes a toy car tire out of his mouth and hands it to me like I caught him.  Avery also chews on things and no one seems to care. 

I spend a lot of time at the preschool in both boys' classes.  Avery is the oldest kid in his class of 15 students and Miles is the youngest of his class of 4.  The boys are 17 months apart and all but 1 of the children in both classes combined have their birthdays between my kids' birthdays.  All children are different, however I do find myself comparing children, and sometimes I am glad that Miles' problems are not like some of the other kids.  Sometimes it is also nice to see that Miles seems to be just like some of the other kids as well. 

Miles may not have a verbal conversation with me, but he is a better listener than Avery by far.  When Avery was 4 and he started walking away from me and I told him to come back to where I was, I would have to get 'angry' before he would come back.  I have to tell Miles once or twice and he comes back.  He does not listen when I tell him not to climb up on things... but to me that makes him a normal kid.  Miles is a good sharer, he will not take a toy from you, he will make a trade for a toy he wants, wait his turn, and give you a toy.  He is generally happy, curious, observer and friendly.

I would not ask for anything different.  

 I wanted to share my mom's facebook post with every one.  I love you mom with all my heart.

 

Written by Nanina Hawk (my mom)

Always being ahead of my time 13 years ago on Feb 4th 2000 I didn't know February would become wear red for women. It make sense since it is the month for hearts. I also didn't know I had already had a minor heart attack December 27, 1999. Or that I was having a massive heart attack the morning of Feb 4th. A lot of things have changed in those 13 years. Most of all knowledge, that symptoms for women can be and are different then men. I was 39 years old, not over weight, and no clinician would just look at me and think heart attack. It was missed, twice, and sadly because time is of the essence in a heart attack, part of my lower heart died that day.

I can still remember after four days in the hospital going home and trying to unload the dishwasher. Putting one plate away having to sit down. Thinking to myself, if this is going to be my life I don't want to live this way. People around me not understanding, because I looked pretty normal on the outside. But I would never be the same again.

I did start to feel better, it took about year, after six weeks I went back to work and by Friday I would be wiped out for the weekends. Blood thinners, weekly blood test, anxiety, is this pain to be ignored or is it serious. Walking into unknown waters, this medication they give you slows down your heart, zaps your energy. That pain is your heart creating scar tissue. You now have depression, is it any wonder?

In the first year, a woman thanked me because she was having abnormal symptoms and I told her go in and have them to an EKG. She was having a heart attack and received early treatment with no damage to her heart. Although I also told many to do the same and they weren't.

The first wear red for women day fell on Feb 4, 2003 and you would have thought they did it just for me. Three years post heart attack for me. In those three years everyone had been talking about women and heart attacks, I thought if only, they had been before. It could have saved my heart from damage. Then I realized I was a part of all the women before who helped bring this to the forefront, to bring this to the news. That is why it is important to me. If I can't have the energy to run and do the things I want to do with my grandchildren, or the energy somedays just to do what I want. At least I know I helped get it out there.

When I think of what I would have missed as in graduation, weddings, grandchildren and just love. I'm so grateful for the outcome 13 years ago. I have appreciated everyday of those 13 years, when I look back. How some things are better to let go of they aren't as important as you think. Others you hold near and dear to heart because they are more important than you will ever know. Happy number 13 to me today!

Giving Tree

I am not sure when it had started, but as long as I can remember, my family took names from the giving tree at the store.  All I know is that I asked my mom what the tree was and I could not fathom that there were children who did not get presents for Christmas.  I know I asked my mom if I could pick a name and when she told me we could not afford to buy extra presents I offered to give a girl my age one of my presents.  So that is what we did every year, my brothers and I would give up a present to a child around our same age.

When I started making my own money I started picking a name and buying gifts for the kids on the tree. On good years I could pick two names and working at King Soopers I could just pick a name from the store tree after I got off work one night.

A few years ago before I had kids of my own I was able to pick two names.  I picked a 14-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy.  I bought the boy some play-doh, toy cars and package the included a small football, basketball and soccer ball. I remember like every other time I brought the gifts to store how wonderful I felt.

Some time between when I had turned the gifts in and Christmas I was waiting for my bus stop outside of my work.  (Any more I can't remember where I was headed, school probably.) As I walked up to the bus stop I saw it... MY wrapping paper... in the shape of the gift I had wrapped! A 5-year-old boy was at the bus stop with his mom and grandma.  

"Can I open it now... please?" he asked his mom.  

"Yes, yes!" I was screaming in my head.

"Ok you can open the small package on top" she finally said.

"CARS! My favorite!" he said.  Eventually while waiting for the bus she let him open the whole gift.  "Thanks whoever got this for me" he said.

"You're welcome!" I said in my head.  I can't believe I got to see him open it. I was so close to crying.         

November Photos of Toad 11/1 - 11/16

Krystle Kraft

      Today I attended the funeral for my dear friend Krystle.  I can not claim that Krystle was my best friend or even a close friend.  However I can tell you that Krystle was my friend and she was a good friend.  She would be there for anyone and everyone who needed her.  She cared about everyone and I don't think I ever saw her not smiling.  

      I went to school with Krystle and I have not seen her since high school.  I once I was introduced to social media, I looked for her all the time.  Many friends I reconnected online would also ask me if I found her.  I could not.  Krystle had an infectious laugh and smile and I thought about her a lot.  This shows how great of a person she was... we all thought of her frequently.  I did not know much about her adult life and since her passing I found out she has children, I'm sure she was a great mother.  

     Since I heard about the loss of a beautiful woman like Krys I have been in shock.  I went to the funeral to support those whom were even closer to her.  Parts of me did not want to believe I was there to remember her life.  I wanted to go to the church and for her to be there, like some sort of high school reunion.  But once there it became real, many people I had not seen in years... and only memories of Krystle.

    I still held myself together through songs and words.... then the microphone was sent into sea of those there to say how much they loved her.  First words from her best friend.  Then my heart stopped when I saw her 8-year-old son raise his hand for his turn to talk... " I am Krystal's kid.  She was a good person.  The last time I saw her and got to see her smile - she was taking me out for pizza - it was the last time I saw her - I am going to miss her so much"  and that trailed into uncontrollable sobs... not just from her son, but from everyone.


Life is precious and unpredictable.  Krystal was brutally taken from her family too soon. Remember to tell those you love you love them.  I hope Krystle knows how much people loved her and thought about her.