For a few months I have been feeling pretty bitter about life, about petty things. Or maybe I just tell myself they are petty so they don't bother me as much.
Some of what I have been feeling has gone on for years, and just resurfaces from time toto time. Other aspects, and probably why I have been bitter and angry are new.
One of the things is feeling like I don't fit in. I also believe in being unique, so this is a huge struggle for me. I think it is natural to want to fit in somewhere.
At times I do fit, mostly I feel like I don't. Instead of being inspired I feel jealous and helpless. Every one says women should help build each other up and sometimes theses very women are the ones bringing me down. Most the time I am sure they don't know, I am sure they don't know I wish I had some aspect of their life, I don't have. But all this is besides the point and probably a different story.
I don't know why I really feel like I don't fit in most the time. I often wonder if people see me how I think they see me.
I miss when Avery was in Kindergarten. The parents all met at pickup and I got to know a lot of them and befriend them. The next year they all moved to the back of the school for pickup and I was still at Kindergarten because I was now picking up Miles. At first I felt left out, I didn't get to talk to the same people. I finally opened up and met new parents. The next year I was picking up Miles with 1st grade and got to talk to the same parents.
This year they bring Miles out by 1st grade, so I don't feel like I get to talk to any of the parent friends I have made. It took me until recently to accept this. Not sure why it was so hard to move past it.
The other thing that has been difficult for me is many of the parents I talked to in Avery's grade back in Kindergarten, have all seemed to form a tight friendship. I am always wondering if I lost out the following year, because I was not at pickup? Did I miss out from lack of trying? Was I too busy with Miles and therapy? Did they just assume I was too busy? Or even though they are nice to me, do they just not like me? Also conflicting because most the time **** I don't care if they like me or not, because I am me and I will not change for them. But from time to time it really pisses me off. And at the same time if things changed and I was accepted I will still feel like I don't fit because I am not like them. I will be too busy and I won't have the time or effort to take care of me how I am.
I also feel like I don't fit in because my child with special needs. Everyone loves Miles, but he is different, we have to do things differently, therefore are we not included? Maybe. Are we included to things? Yes sometimes and every time we try it.
My biggest fear is that Avery is not included because of Miles. I strongly believe Avery should do things with and without Miles.
I do feel included in a small support team of other autism parents. Without them I would be insane. We all have a hard time caring for ourselves and need each other. But we are also busy.
Sorry, I am super upset tonight and can't sleep. My ramblings may or may not make sense.
P.S. I am writing to change me, not you.
